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If possible, wed also like to hear from those of you whose spouse has emerged from the fog, and how you feel that was accomplished. Why would she. It finally got through. Am I staying in bed too long in the morning with him? Its a sad sad state. Then he went on again to say he would be out of the house asap and asked how we will go about scheduling the baby. I told him he no longer had any decision making ability when it came to me and I was D him. Linda: Yes. I feel like sometimes he wants to but then sometimes thinks its too hard, and then sometimes he just doesnt want to at all bc he is so sick of me. To this day, I resent the younger OW more, even though my CH had a PA with the somebody else. Get him to do it and dont answer any questions about where youre going. Who cares about that? In no way am I recommending telling your H you want a D unless you are prepared to do it. It was like pulling teeth but I hung in there. Its all so upsetting. You are NOT doing anything wrong. I dont know if the OW and him are back to speaking, im sure they are, but even if not, sometimes I wonder to myself, if this is who he is, do I even WANT that? I thought we turned the corner. And BTW this is all going to come back to him. There is nothing to show otherwise that anything woukd be different. She had aborted 2 babies because she tried to trap men with a pregnancy and they didnt go for it. Im just like eye-rolling why now?, after Ive healed enough to completely see a future without him, why now? But everyday I think to myself, I would probably be better off alone right now. I do think its a positive thing that he chooses to come home every night, but I hate that he sleeps on the couch, and i hate that he comes home so late some nights. But I always told him plainly that we werent. Hold your head up and be the best mom and person you can be. Hold your head up and be strong. I certainly included that in there, as well. I am willing to continue going through this hell if eventually I can continue spending my life with the man I love. Said he promised to get better about helping with bills, promised to finish the work around the house he started months ago, told me he was absolutely terrified about losing our marriage. Unfortunately he used all of my suggestions against me with the OW. I think thats helpful. Walk on D-day and dont look back. He now has a new respect for me AND he knows I could walk out the door anytime b/c I am strong enough to do it. You cannot control your Hs actions but you csn control how YOU react. And your H now may be sure this is what he wants. Why? My H had one. Tell him that this is not what you expected when you married and had children. doing everything right and he has justified absolutely everything, and he seems like he could care less that im asking him to leave. I get so many thoughts in my head that just completely consume me and it is so frustrating. K. The other thing that I said to my H during his A and A fog and false reconciliation and the times he said he wanted a D was this. You are not giving him a pass or acting like nothing happened. Thanks in advance, hopefully you will see this! And If I keep kicking him out and letting him back im like the boy who cried wolf. Its hurtful what you are living with. Because of 2 abortions and now too old to have babies realisation that she will never be a mum had hit home. Work, go to the bar every day, and come home and see the baby, feel like im available even though he doesnt care all that much, and then do it again. She said that I am attractive but she isnt attracted to me. Hopefully this reply works, bc my last one was very long explaining my situation and it seems like it disappeared. Nothing to do with anything you do or do not do. And I am much happier this way. I got home last night and he was home from work and he was in a great mood. Our life stayed secure. Its so much pain. I dont want to be around him. I only lasted 6 months and I needed to get out. He got upset and said that is what he wants but he doesnt want it on someone elses terms. But he hasnt mentioned that in a week and just has been staying here. he can live whatever life he wants, and for some reason it does make me feel better. Your H is playing a dangerous game I keep hoping he wakes up soon. It just feels so wrong, I feel like we will end up hating eachother. She had cheated on her husband with this man who already had a partner. Weve seen on our blog where people take a couple of weeks, a month, or whatever, but it seems inevitably, the majority of them do come back for that reason. And do not mention the OW for now. And he understood. Is The Cheating Spouse Living With Regret? The only fog he appeared to have was to think she was an innocent party. It would have made me think long and hard and say, Geez. The damage has been done. We were both really mad. But you man up and be real. which is exactly what he was doing when he was working out of town, hence how he met the bartender OW. I said to him you are a grown man. Why would I want a man who wants to live the way he is living. You have done everything. Because he chose to stay M. No talking or therapy or pleading or crying had any impact unfortunately. And he would be nice for a few days and then it would start again. Maybe Im totally wrong. Then its over. But she knew exactly what she was doing. I cant get out of my own head and out of my own way. I just get so much comfort and enjoyment from food, its my only solace (besides God). Yet he CONTINUES showing that what he does want is this other life, going to the bar, hanging out with people I dont even know. The stress and anxiety was hard to face. Still in the same bed. He seems unwilling right now to make much effort. Your issues are more than just the A. I agree most of us BSs would probably love a do over. Marriages can be ruined by cheating. What is 'affair fog'? - USA Which is what happened at DDay2 for me. And then sometimes its like I do ONE thing and he becomes irritated and I can ALREADY see the wheels turning in his mind of like wanting to get out. I ask about them calmly Are you in contact with Deanna phone, text or email? Looks me dead in the eye, and without blinking says No. If he holds this against you then he is a twisted and sick person and then you need to run far away. He is being selfish. (He has ED, so..). As you all have experienced this pain, no need to go into great detail. And he is on it a lot more this week which is why I am under the impression they are back speaking. You are very smart. But sometimes we dont say much of anything and I usually do my own thing just trying to back off him. You can live like roommates doing exactly the same thing. But I think for so many spouses/partners, you can tell the CS the A is over. Selfish. Did she get back in touch? You can read the comments from that discussion here: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/discussion-how-do-you-get-the-cheating-spouse-out-of-the-affair-fog/. After dealing with my Hs frustrating behaviors, affair fog, continuing to see OW and blaming me for everything wrong in his life, I used to go to my wonderfully fabulous thetapist who would put me on the right path. but she has told me she has strong feelings for him. we have been together for 7 yrs and got engaged at xmas. I go from being extremely nice to him, to being bat shit crazy and screaming about OW. I could no longer function under the black cloud of infidelity. There was a 2nd and 3rd DDAY but that was 4 yrs ago this January. He answer negatives, so I guess Ill cling to that! And the minute I took a stand with my H and told him to leave, there was an immediate change. I dont know how, but maybe thats the case. It hurts. You have told him he needs to move out. You get to the point if no one cares b/c you dont. He had you in limbo. Maybe give your opinion on some of the ones that I mentioned. Hes trying to punish me because I made him leave, but in the long run hes also punishing them. I am sorry you dont have the courage or respect to tell me the truth. I could stay busy ALL the time, go be with my friends, when in reality, I want to be home with my baby. Some spouses (women included) do not grow up and mature after they have children. Make him wonder what kind of life you have going on without him. That is why I say As are like addictions. But how can someone be SO in love, SO on board in a marriage, so all about his wife and making a family and then all of a sudden be SO completely different? You need to stand firm. From what you describe he has serious issues. My only regret is believing him when he said it was over and that he wanted to be with me. Years ago I could barely make it through an hour without crying. But its not. I had complete control and I was telling him what would happen. I know where you are right now. im praying that if we can give eachother time then we will be able to build a new relationship. Dont engage in conversations you dont want to. I know that your last response was this past December so you may not even see this, but I am going through a similar situation and could absolutely use some advice. Your H exhibits addict like behavior. My life has been turned upside down. They kissed that night and he was do upset by his actions that he came home and told me. 5 years later we reconciled and we are happy. Unless he wants to change which he doesnt think he has a problem so he is not going to you have a choice. That is your next step after plan B is in place. I can totally relate. But its not necessarily him hating me, like I have felt. One of the main characteristics of a midlife crisis is the recognition that you're getting older, often with some negative feelings attached to it. its exactly what I need to do, and I know it. Because if he continues to cheat you have financially protected yourself. She denies that she has continued the EA but that she has been in contact with the OM. You need a lawyer, accountant or financial planner and counselor and minister or priest (if you have one) and a good support team for you and your daughter. Yet, why arent MY feelings dwindling? If he wants it so badly, let him do all the work and make sure he gives you everything you deserve and more. How jaded this makes us. Am I making myself too available? Tried and true solutions I learned the hard way. After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. I have written a very long response but feel very weird posting it on here all about my life. It would be good to know what it is. I dont know how this has happened. As if I got them from another man or something, ya right. Which makes me think hes still slightly in the fog. When here in the house at least I can see hes out, hes drinking too much, and he may not be the man I want for my life anyways. If would have started preparing my own life, with or without you, and just started doing some things on my ownlike getting finances in order I did start going out with friends a lot more, and I started taking exercise classes. I tell him its not appropriate. It is horrific but I cannot imagine it with a newborn baby. Part of me feels so confident sometimes, I feel like he will wake up and see hes insane to leave the marriage, especially when im working so hard to try to make it work even after what he has done. He says he knows he was wrong and he wishes he had never even given in to affair, etc, but that he felt unappreciated in our marriage and wishes he had spoken up. A good portion of my time for this website is devoted to mentoring people who are struggling with infidelity in some way. I dont want to lose myself. That was NOT a good time his whore actually was going to come to our house I said bring your retarded ni**er whore ass to my house I was waiting with my sons pitbull and I told her my husband and I that we were waiting with a pit bull (she was scared to death of ) for her she NEVER has shown her face she left state as I did inform her legally if I saw her face I would have her arrested she left NY and went to Houma La never to be heard from again. Its hard bc we have such a young baby, I have a large family, things are always going on, and its like we just go right back into a routine and hes thinking gosh, this isnt what I wanted to get back into, and I do get that. Im going to be honest as painful as it is. I dont know why I am doing anything I do these days. No disrespect. And he would swear its me. Instead, Dday happened during pregnancy, I was hormonal, emotional, scared to death, and unsure how the hell I was supposed to maneuver through this. And then the behavior escalated and he was walking out the door. Until then, it is his issue and his problem. And he has been gone all day and of course my mind goes to wondering where he could possibly be, but I just have to get used to wondering that, bc now he wont be living here anymore. Ive felt this way for years. It can be very little things but whatever you need to do is better than nothing. He is in the babys life. She was surprised and said OK. I say If you want out of this marriage, YOURE going to be the one to make that happen, as I WILL NOT! I was calm and collected, until I started talking about that I was worried about how his dads impending death will affect him, then I cried. BUt how the hell do you SHOW that youre moving on in life when you have a 5 month old baby that you are trying to get on a schedule and you have to be home pretty often and he sees & knows that.I feel like in this ENTIRE situation I have not been given a shot. Its called the Plan B. He may be having more than one OW or just enjoying the flirting. He said a TON of stuff, as did I. They got no validation or acknowledgement Their behavior was ignored. Sometimes he asks me questions where I can tell hes curious about things, and then its like the majority of the time he clearly doesnt care bc if he did, he wouldnt spend all of his free time away from me. The longer the fog goes on, the more damage that is done to the marriage. He swears he has no contact with the other woman anymore and that none of this is about her. After I got back with him he got trust issues which make me furious. Yet he did nothing towards trying to restore the M. He would be nice here and there but then cold, distant and non-communicative other times. If he declines to discuss honestly, refuses MC and will not try to compromise, then you will soon realize you have nothing to work with. Whats wrong with me? They begin to rationalize with themselves in order to cover up their feelings of guilt. When I finally removed myself from his game he was left with nothing. 2010-2019 Emotional Affair Journey. I told him his actions show he wants a different life, he wants to be in the bar most days after work, hanging out with people I dont know. He was in constant contact with me, video calls etc. That they are friends. At that time, 18 months ago, He walked into rehab wanting to win his wife back and he walked out with a girlfriend. My H early on was hoping I would demand a D so he could be with the OW but not have any blame. Especially when it used to be ALL he cared about. Im sure im going to be extremely sad and depressed about this in a days time, I know its going to be so hard. Unfortunately I, like you, and everyone here knows what it is like to be blindsided by an affair. Its my thinking that gets me so upset. NOW is the time to get strong and assert yourself. I am so afraid he will feel his life is better without me in it somehow..I dont know HOW WE GOT HERE. Theres no other way I know of, but to make them feel instant consequences for such actions. And he doesnt feel like he needs to change. Hell, I wish THE FIRST TIME I saw a text from her 8 months ago I had kicked his ass out and let him see what life was like without me before the baby came. I hope any of this advice helps you. But the 180 specifically says no matter HOW you feel today, do not show it. You cannot rationalize with crazy. I have been an emotional roller coaster and have been doing everything I can to win back my wife; from begging and pleading, to showering her with love, to contacting her AP to tell him to leave her alone. So there was nothing I could do to change his mind or his heart. Document everything including his abandonment of you and kids. We had a rough few years after that and I was ready to leave a few times I was so frustrated and fed up with his choices, behavior and continued lying. Suggestion on a new approach: speak with a professional. We have both said we wont do anything permanent yet, but when he gets mad he always throws things in my face. If you are telling me how perfect our marriage is and how happy you are and you are cheating I think that says a lot about the cheater. I told him I had nothing left to give him. But he lets his anger take over. How convenient for him. He literally walked in the door and out of the blue wanted a D. No fight had occurrrd. I think its also the type of people he befriends. I phoned a friend who had worked there and knew this woman. Recharge yourself. You tell him you want to talk openly and honestly. They are just blinded at the moment. Do you think it is possible to commit fully to this 180, while he is living here, and he will see it and maybe open his eyes? When a persons eyes are opened, there is no going back. What would it be like if this was over? You didnt have to ask yourself, Why is Linda pulling away?, I wish I would have early on, just really worked on myself a lot more and said to myself, Okay. The fog was so thick. Im sure thats not what you want. And I dont know what I will do bc I will be absolutely devastated. I read opposing things, that its good to live together bc the communication continues, and then that its better to separate so they can see what theyre missing. I think to myself that I know he sees me in a different light than he sees her, I know the type of woman I am, and the type of woman that she seems to be, and I cannot comprehend WHAT it is about her that he was willing to risk it all. I am beginning to think theres OW in our city as well, why else would he be out all hours of the night. we are seeing a councillor. Ok then he has an affair 3 years ago. I did not want our kids to know and I was summer and they were not in school. I never told you I would leave you because you were in an affair. But theres nothing I can do. It was his bad choice and his unhappiness and his defective moral character. He gets his head out of his butt and realizes what he has done. I feel a tight pain in my chest, im finding it hard to breathe and I cannot focus. Unpause the Menopause Podcast: Midlife Crisis or Midlife I lived through a 4 year EA my H had with a girl in grad school. Read up on the 180. I feel good about myself. They may have convinced themselves that their marriage was already bad, that their partner really didnt love them, and that the affair partner must truly be their soulmate because he or she is the only one who understands them. No begging or pleading. He got pissed off at me and defending himself and his whores must have been exhausting . I told him his actions show he doesnt care about me at all and that he wanted a different life, and I told him to go have it. I dont know what to do. No is an answer. The anger of the OW totally throws me off. What will he do, where will he go, who will he see, will he text me (he never does anymore unless I do first), will he go out tonight, will he drive to see OW a few hours away and then come back home as if nothing happened.my mind races with questions and it sucks. His actions are showing you what he wants. When he wasnt home around 45 mins later I said forget this. I am in disbelief this is happening to me because my kids are so normal and good. You come first. No lateness. WebMany of the symptoms of midlife crisis are due to hormonal imbalances that can cause anxiety or depression. Just walked in and demanded a D. And a few hours later I told him he no longer had any control over me or my life b/c I was done playing games. I felt like I could do anything bc we just supported eachother and we had eachother no matter what. I wish I had walked out in the first 60 to 90 days of his online obsession affair with someone else. I say this b/c the few people that know about his affair would have bet $1mil he would never be that guy who cheated. Doug: Or they get mad, and they get defensive. Now? It is very difficult to talk to someone while they are in the fog. He sees me one way and has painted this picture in his mind, and that will not change at all until im detached enough to where he has to face that im no longer controlling him, im no longer holding him back, and somehow hes still feeling the way hes feeling. They believe (wrongfully) they have something special. He had just gotten his first smart phone in September, and I had stalled that as long as possible, as I had feared something like this. And Im going to get a good therapist to talk to. Eleanor Roosevelt once said No one can make you feel inferior without your permission Work on getting stronger. I am not sure how this works. When I was asking for is to go to counseling he said no. Thank you SO MUCH for your response. I was very standoffish, not mean, just did my own thing. However he was the one that came to his senses. But he refused to do it b/c in his words he didnt like being told what to do. I wish someone could boost me up EVERYDAY and tell me like youve got this today. We have all been in your shoes. I said go live the life you want to live, just stop coming here afterwards. My theory is you are either with me or not. K. I suggested the lawyer so you know your rights just in case. The fog is the hardest thing to forgive and to get over. i know its allowing him to cake eat and have things very easy, but I just have to focus on only myself and the baby for now. I think thats all part of it. I would hope he would change his mind, but I just cant beg. He pays half the college expenses AND not just tuition. And I believed it. I will end up being the one that got away if he lets me get away. They are blinded by the reality of who the other man or woman really is. What was happening behind my back, I think I could have handled a lot more because you werent walking in and lying to me. Plan B. It is such a neat (I know some wont like that word choice) experience to feel how messed up my thinking was. So again, after a few weeks we decided he would leave again, which was 2 weeks ago, and he never left. He thought I would wait for him to decide what he was going to do. Just like an alcoholic will do whatever is necessary to get alcohol, the same is true for a cheater. He would tell her what I was doing and saying. People get it. And it wasnt as though the lies and truth were forthcoming. Appointment with a D attorney to find out what the laws are in your state and what you are entitled to. I told him I see now that we want different lives. Stop trying to fix it or him. I dont know. !1 Its so good to hear from you!! I learned this the HARD way during my Hs A. I thought (like you) that I could change him. The only thing the cheater sees is their own selfish needs and desires. To this day I see him as needed but the good news is that I can weather this crazy storm and still be a good parent and keep it together. Just you. I knew he could easily write off other people, but never me. If you wait until you get mad enough to do it first, the damage is done. Boo Frickin Hoo! What is terrible is that your H is keeping you in limbo and not putting his M or you first. And the minute he lies and you know it you calmly tell him that you expect him to be honest with you no matter what. I didnt know we had problems so it all has been a total rollercoaster. Yesterday he asked me where all my friends have been. He also showed me somehow that he was making amends every single day. I would know more and more certainly if I had only investigated first, instead of trusting her. You can do this. But acting them out is a whole other story. Asking no questions is good too (and smart). So sorry for you. Yup Yup and Yup. I pray for you and I know you are grieving. Long story short, I was willing to forgive him but he couldnt cut her off. I want him to fight for us. I am trying so hard to stay busy to make him wonder what im up to, but its just exhausting me to feel like I always have to be gone when he gets home, or be doing things. If you dont mind I have a question: I dont want him to look at us living together as roomates, but right now when were not working on us, thats basically what we are. I can tell you I wa lucky they did for me. They always make me feel so much better. Tell him your communication efforts are not working and you feel you need help resolving the differences and making things better in the future. And after two hours he agreed I was right. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING you do will push him away. With all my might!! Once I finish the book I plan to discuss a game plan with our adult children. I dont want him back, I cant take him back after everything Ive been through but he has abandoned his kids and his financial responsibility, my kids are just numb to everything hes doing, (theyre teenagers) its literally like hes a different person. Continue trying to do your own thing. And that week he just seemed to be so distraught, texting me non stop, telling me how scared he was about everything, how hes not ready to divorce, etc. Things outside the marriage is much more appealing to him right now than things inside the marriage, and that sucks. Hes proven hes a big liar and a cheat. And honestly, I do understand where hes coming from with some stuff. Also including the fact he carried out other basic lies for so long, I eventually came to the point where I will never be able to believe he was faithful, even though he has never wavered from saying he felt anything for her, he has never admitted to anything I dont have black and white tangible evidence of, such as phone records, just left me feeling that if I cant prove it, I know he wont admit it, honest as he seems to be now. im just so confused. Ive posted an update on another thread as now my husband has said he wants to marry her in the future and have kids with her so I need to divorce him. For the same of this marriage I plead to give at least a year, but nothing is improving, after 5 months past, & at the same time, their relationship is growing stronger & more stronger. One who can guide you through this storm. He got really angry and said I dont do anything around the house besides feed the baby and that he could do what I do. This will never work. midlife Friday Facts And Features Midlife It He doesnt have to deal with any sort of reality of life with her because everything is still virtual. I appreciate it more than you know, as much as it terrifies me to read that you think I need a lawyer, etc. That is the first issue. It was the principle of it. I also asked if he thought if there were more positives or negatives if we were no longer WE. Though I wonder WHY he needs to spend so much time out at bars come on, 4-5 nights a week is excessive. But it is an excuse to justify his own behavior (as in I went out all the time b/c you acted like you didnt care). I, being the chump I am, told him to go ahead and talk to her that one time because she was in crisis. Shes destroyed several marriages during her 30+ year career there) on his cell phone log. K. You are in a very tough position. WebSo, if you're looking for answers and support during this time, you won't want to miss this episode. It was just the same life over and over again. Thank you so much for your response. Dont play his game. So yes at DDay2 I told my H I was D him. Dopamine, Its been a few weeks since ive written. Not true, not valid and not acceptable. Trying to get someone to see the mistakes they are making. He would be the VERY LAST guy you would suspect!!! Unless and until the CS decides to end it.